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Friday, December 19, 2008

If only.............


I dreamed about my dad last night. It felt so real and I kept thinking about that dream at work. It makes me want to cry. In my dream, he was alive. I got so scared yet I was so happy. I was at home chitchatting with my mom on our terrace when all of a sudden she burst out loud that Tatay had arrived. I got puzzled because I knew he was dead and I started having goosebumps. But when I saw my father right outside our gate and getting out of a vehicle, I exclaimed "Tatay!" I ran to him and embraced him so tight. It felt so good that I don't want to let him go. He gained weight and he seemed to be surprised seeing me. And then I woke up still hearing myself say "Tatay!" out loud. I cried because I realized it was just a dream.

My father died of a heart attack 8 years ago. I was 17 years old back then. When nanay broke the news about his death, I didn't know what to think at first. I was in shock and really didn't know how to react to the news. I even left for school that day and I can't help but cry on my way when the news about my father's passing sunk in on my senses. I didn't proceed going to school that day. I decided to go to my friend Ann's place. I cried my heart out to her. It was so painful that whenever I think about that day, it still makes me feel sad.

I know that my dad tried to be a good father. It was I who was confused and was on a critical growing up stage. I was in freshman year in high school when he moved back to us. We were happy because our family was finally complete. I felt contented when for the first time after 7 years, I had the chance to sit on my father's lap when he showed up one day. I didn't realize it would be my last.

When he got back to us, he was already sick and most of the time he was irritable. He yelled, said bad words most of the time, bombarded us with a lot of household chores and most of all, he didn't like my being out-going. He wanted me to just stay at home and do what a girl is supposed to do. In short, he wanted to discipline me. I wasn't used to just staying at home that time and really didn't like doing chores. He doesn't want me participating even on extra-curricular activities at school. When he got back to us, I had curfew hours and got scolded every time I come home late. He didn't appreciate it when he learned that I was on a varsity team for softball. Every time I told him about a league that I have to go to, he would let me play but he would remind me of my curfew. He also didn't like it when I joined the choir at school. So after a game or choir practise, I hurry back home or else I get scolded if I exceeded the 6pm curfew.

We never talked. Maybe he tried at some point but whenever I felt uncomfortable, which I felt most of the time when I'm around him, I make excuses just to keep myself away from him. My younger brother - Boyet was the one close to my dad. No matter how hard my father was to him, Boyet never fought back. Even though he's already tired of all the chores tatay wanted him to accomplish, he makes sure he gets everything done to please him. Boyet loved tatay that much. It made me think how come my brother was able to do that? Why didn't I try?

I really hated my dad back then. I got rebellious and it even came to a point that my mom let me live on one of our apartments because me and tatay can't get along. I used to think that he never loved me anyway. He was never around on all important days of my life. He's always away on my birthdays. I don't even know if he remembered it because I never received a gift from him nor did he try to call. He also wasn't around during my graduation in high school.

There was only this one time that he was able to attend to an important day of my life. That was when I had my piano recital during my first year in high school where I won the first place. I can still remember how proud he was. I had a photo with him taken that day. That's actually the only photo of us together.

Whenever I think of my dad, I always wish that he's still alive. If only I could show him how much I care for him and that I could tell him that I love him despite the bad things that happened in the past. If only I can tell him about how my day has gone so far and ask him how his day went too. If only I can tell him I am sorry for being such a bad daughter to him. I wish I can tell him that I have been good and that he can also be proud of me.

I miss you tatay and I hope you have already forgiven me...

4 comments:

Scotty's Princess said...

This is one moving post cousin Dearie! You left me teary-eyed... It is so true that you will only realize the worth of a person when they are no longer around.

If only we could turn back the hands of time... Too many "If onlys"...

Na-miss mo lang si Tatay mo Bang. I have felt the same way each and everytime. Good thing I have my blogs to espress myself freely. I've also posted how I've missed Papang HERE.

Windmill said...

Hi Allena,

I wish you Yuletide Joy and A Blessed New Year together with your family.

Happy Holidays!

""rare*jonRez"" said...

sounds like we have somewhat alike experiences with our father's death sis. the difference though is that i am the closest to my father. ako ang pinaka-beybi. :) my father died 10 years ago, i was in junior high, and even if it was already that long, i still can feel he's just around though i could never have his presence back, not until the first resurrection morning on Jesus' 2nd advent.

i have a long story to reminisce about my papa, and though there are bad events that occurred in our family when he was still alive, the good ones outnumbered them all. i still dream of him on some nights, and i could only share a smile each time i wake up. it feels the best that my husband is beside me to listen to me everytime i am feeling the urge to share something about how wonderful a man my father was. it's true, my father-in-law is my father, too, but my very own father can never be replaced.

hala, taasa sa akong yawyaw oi. this post of yours is touching sis. i am sure this makes ur readers ponder on their relationship with their dads. have a wonderful yuletide season sis and keep blogging! :)

suedonim said...

Hi Ally. At last, you finally posted an entry about your tatay. Thanks for opening up your heart to us, coz i know it's never easy to share about the loss of a dear person and to admit the mistake that you made. It is true that the greatest regret is for the things left undone and words left unsaid, so thanks for the reminder.
I hope others would realize too how blessed they are to have their parents around.
Godbless! :)